Never Split the Difference – Chris Voss, Tahl Raz

Negotiation tactics.

Negotiation as you’ll learn here is nothing more than communication with results. Getting what you want out of life is all about getting what you want from—and with—other people. Conflict between two parties is inevitable in all relationships. So it’s useful—crucial, even—to know how to engage in that conflict to get what you want without inflicting damage.

The Pinocchio Effect

People who are lying are more worried about being believed, so they work harder at being believable.

The researchers dubbed this the Pinocchio Effect because, just like Pinocchio’s nose, the number of words grew along with the lie.

Create The Illusion of Control

Don’t try to force your opponent to admit that you are right.
Avoid questions that can be answered with “Yes” or tiny pieces of information. Ask calibrated questions that start with the words “How” or “What.”
“Why” is always an accusation, in any language.
Calibrate your questions to point your counterpart toward solving your problem.
When you’re attacked in a negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions.
There is always a team on the other side. If you are not influencing those behind the table, you are vulnerable.

Your Voice When Negotiating

Your most powerful tool in any kind of verbal communication is your voice.

There are essentially three voice tones available to negotiators:

The late-night FM DJ voice: “Inflect your voice downward, keeping it calm and slow, to create an aura of authority.”
The positive, playful voice: It’s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person.
The direct or assertive voice: Used rarely. will cause problems and create pushback.

The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need (monetarily, emotionally, or otherwise) and get them feeling safe enough to talk and talk and talk some more about what they want. The latter will help you discover the former.

The Framing Effect

It happens when people respond differently to the same choice depending on how it is framed.

People place greater value on moving from 90 percent to 100 percent—from high probability to certainty—than from 45 percent to 55 percent, even though they’re both ten percentage points.

Tactical Empathy

Tactical empathy means balancing the subtle behaviors of emotional intelligence with the assertive skills of influence to gain access to the mind of another person.

Psychotherapy research shows that when individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings. In addition, they tend to become less defensive and oppositional and more willing to listen to other points of view.

Life Is A Negotiation

The majority of the interactions we have at work and at home involve negotiations.

Negotiation serves two distinct functions: information gathering and behavior influencing—and includes almost any interaction where each party wants something from the other side.

Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.

Labelling Emotions

Instead of ignoring emotions, good negotiators identify or influence them.

Labeling is a technique used to acknowledge a counterpart’s emotion, leaving them feeling validated:

Detect the other person’s emotional state

After spotting an emotion you want to highlight, label it aloud without using “I” statements

After throwing out a label, be quiet and listen.

You’re dealing with a person who wants to be appreciated and understood. So use labels to reinforce and encourage positive perceptions and dynamics.

Great negotiators seek ‘No’ because they know that’s often when the real negotiation begins.

The Mirroring Technique

A “mirror” is when you repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said.

Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding. By repeating back what people say, you trigger this mirroring instinct, and your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting.

Passage Of Time: The Most Important Tool For Negotiators

Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making. If we’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard and we risk undermining the rapport and trust we’ve built.

The passage of time is one of the most important tools for a negotiator. When you slow the process down, you also calm it down. After all, if someone is talking, they’re not shooting.